Ehhh Ollie, comment ca va?
Bien, Arsene….. ah well, I am not totally happy? Et vous?
I am full of vavavoom, Ollie, never felt any younger in my life! So, we are here today to do your seasonal appraisal. How do you think you performed this season?
Je suis confused, Arsene. The fans sing my song, tu sais, la ‘nananananana Geeeeeeeeeerououou’ one, and I feel the love, but then I read the blogs and so many of the fans say they want a better striker than me; that we cannot win the league as long as I am the main guy up front.
Mais Ollie, do not read the blogs, they are full of merde and ball-logues. Who has more minutes between goals/assists, you or the gangster at the Chavs?
You mean Costa? Me, bien sur.
Aah, you are wrong, you are better than Costa: you – 92 minutes between goals or assists, Costa 104 minutes….. But the Chavis ugly and that is his advantage!
Oelala, Arsene, c’est un statement! But what do you mean with ‘ugly advantage’?
C’est vrai, Ollie, you are a good CF and a brilliant holding CF: don’t forget that, ever!! We come to the advantage, or in your case disadvantage, in a bit…
But Aguero; they all want Augero instead of me, Arsene.
You are comparing pommes with pairs, Ollie. You need to compare yourself with fake hairy Shrek, Costa, Dzeko, and who plays up-front at the Spuddies again?
Qui, Kane. He needs slapping, or should I say Kaning, hahaha 🙂 You, a goal or assist every 92 minutes and 0.66 goals per game: c’est marvellieux! Costa: 104 min/0.64; Kane: 91 min/0.7; Shrekski 151 min/0.42 and what about Van J….., here it comes: 176 min/0.37. So only the Spud is ever so slightly better than you, and look where they ended up again this season…. le shadow d’Arsenal! 🙂
And we already have our own Aguero anyway: Alexis. What a first season he has had, and next season, he will be right up there with the diminutive Argentinian, you wait et vue!
I am starting to feel better, Dr Arsene, hahaha 🙂
Ollie, let’s look at your objectives for last season:
- Be the pivot: hold on to the ball, improve your first touch, allow the midfield to come forward, create space for others, be a constant goal threat: a tres big TICK! What is the song again by that woman.. Simon…. Nobody does it better – sing that to yourself when you are doubting yourself again!
- Be mobile and help spread the play across the front-line, helping to set up attacks as much as being there to finish them: BIEG, FAT, THICK. You are a team player, Ollie, and very hard to defend against: that is why you score or assist in every 92 minutes, garcon de moi.
- Score goals and produce assists: see 2. Oelalala, Ollie, BIEG, BIEG, TICK! 🙂
- Be the first wall in defence: 0.8 clearances and 1 tackle in every game. Je suis satisfied..BIEG TICK
- Keep your sausage out of les belles? Well?
Arsene, c’est prive, hahaha.
Ollie, you should be happy: you met all your objectives, you have a lovely girlfriend, you play for the best club in the world, earn tons of pounds and you will be my main man up-front again next season. Nanananananananana Geeeeroud!
But Arsene, why do the fans not see it as you do?
Do you want me to tell you, Ollie?
Well, Ollie you’re a holding CF at the best club in the world..
You play an often thankless role, which many of the dumkopfs don’t understand…. And…
Yes, come on Arsene!
Tu est fecking handsome, which is your disadvantage.
Je ne comprend pas, Arsene! Yes I am a compliment to myself, but how is that a disadvantage?!
Aah, the fans are jealous, Ollie: you have it all and they cannot stand it… if you were an ugly sod like le shrek or le Chav, everybody would love you. You work hard, you love the fans, you are successful but you are not one of them. That is the price you pay for beauty; and it is good… it keeps you down to earth, which you need.
Merde, merde, Arsene this is deep stuff.
Now Ollie, let’s set you some new objectives……hmmmm….same as last season, but a little bit more. You are now entering your best career years and I am going to get you another top attacker on the right side. You are once again the Hub that creates space for others and allow the midfield to move into the attacking area; you occupy defenders, which creates space for Alexis, Ozil, Rambo or Jack and ANother to create and score goals, and you produce assists and pre-assists. Stay fit, keep away from the female temptations and give your all! Thank you, Ollie, have a great summer!
But Arsene, what about goals: you did not set me a target?!!
Ah Ollie, just enjoy yourself next season, focus on the rest and the goals are a bonus!!
But the fans, Arsene, the fans want me to score lots and lots of goals!!!
Yes Ollie, live with it!