The Total Footballer
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- Look Who’s Back! Arsenal v Huddersfield Line-Up and Preview December 8, 2018
- Arsenal Unaited power on for a settled Top-4 spot after Christmas December 6, 2018
- Rambo to Feed LacaMeyang but Who Partners the Ninja Warrior in Midfield? Preview/Line-up December 4, 2018
- Emery’s First NLD: Let’s Mash the Spuddies! Line-up/Preview December 1, 2018
- Kola/Bells Stretch, Iwobi finds the Holes, and Auba does the Rest: 8 Observations November 26, 2018
Now, like me, you’re probably reasonably satisfied with last year and looking forward to next year. We all have our ideas about what we might do to strengthen. We all also know that Arsene tends to play later than earlier. Finally, we all know the transfer window doesn’t come close to opening yet.
However, despite this, we are tantalized or traumatized–your call on that–on a minute to minute basis with SHRIEKING, MUST READ headlines about THIS £30M World Cup winning player, cuz that makes all the difference, or that €40M 132.795 goal per year SCORER, as, ok, scoring matters, but stop yelling… please?…
So far we are in, or out, or both (simultaneously) for about 3.72 full football teams of GALACTIC STARS!! …
I thought I was done yelling, but, well,… Sorry… Anyway… Most of our team will be replaced by, wait for it, GALACTICOS, who are really from, yes, OUTER SPACE, and thus, UNBELIEVABLE… Toss in about 132,759 of them (!!!) as you will…
So, here I have it, the sealing deal. It only needs Total to post it…
Chelsea and City in SHOCK!! God to sign for Arsenal!!! EPL Guaranteed in 2016!!!!
A friend of a friend of an agent who long ago did business with Heavens FC (HFC) has today exclusively let slip that HFC have AGREED TERMS with Arsenal for God. God, a massive senior smoter or striker with HFC for the last 2000, 5000 or more years (depending on which HFC “ultras” you ask), will almost certainly force Giroud and Walcott to the bench, further fueling rumours of Walcott’s imminent departure to Manchelscity UniFC to help fund the deal, reported to be worth 30 pieces of silver.
Sources inside HFC report the decision was tough. Certainly, the very beginning of God’s career saw him do fantastic things on (and to) the pitch in his first 6 games. However, almost immediately, he needed time off due to niggling injuries which have kept him quieter since that time in terms of tangible outcomes. Further, it is reported that while there are whole books written about his work, organized into a more active and productive first half of his time at HFC, and a later, less impactful (less smoting) time, there is a lingering and growing doubt about his ability to influence the modern game.
Regardless, God will be having his physical shortly, and this new addition will certainly add to Arsene’s choices and striking capabilities. If God can rediscover his early form under the intense tutoring of Le Prof, expect Arsenal to be favourites for the next EPL crown.
So, first things first, please please please note that this is parody, not my reality. After that:
Who do we want or need?
What single player might we do best with if we could get only one? Certainly AW and Co. have done well with one big purchase per year. Who this year?
In your dream line up, where does God play best?
Would this article be better if I SHOUTED even more?