New Arsenal transfer will ABSOLUTELY guarantee EPL title next year!!!

Dive and refresh
Now, like me, you’re probably reasonably satisfied with last year and looking forward to next year. We all have our ideas about what we might do to strengthen. We all also know that Arsene tends to play later than earlier. Finally, we all know the transfer window doesn’t come close to opening yet.
However, despite this, we are tantalized or traumatized–your call on that–on a minute to minute basis with SHRIEKING, MUST READ headlines about THIS £30M World Cup winning player, cuz that makes all the difference, or that €40M 132.795 goal per year SCORER, as, ok, scoring matters, but stop yelling… please?…
So far we are in, or out, or both (simultaneously) for about 3.72 full football teams of GALACTIC STARS!! …
I thought I was done yelling, but, well,…  Sorry… Anyway… Most of our team will be replaced by, wait for it, GALACTICOS, who are really from, yes, OUTER SPACE, and thus, UNBELIEVABLE… Toss in about 132,759 of them (!!!) as you will…
So, here I have it, the sealing deal. It only needs Total to post it…
Chelsea and City in SHOCK!! God to sign for Arsenal!!! EPL Guaranteed in 2016!!!!
A friend of a friend of an agent who long ago did business with Heavens FC (HFC) has today exclusively let slip that HFC have AGREED TERMS with Arsenal for God. God, a massive senior smoter or striker with HFC for the last 2000, 5000 or more years (depending on which HFC “ultras” you ask), will almost certainly force Giroud and Walcott to the bench, further fueling rumours of Walcott’s imminent departure to Manchelscity UniFC to help fund the deal, reported to be worth 30 pieces of silver.
Sources inside HFC report the decision was tough. Certainly, the very beginning of God’s career saw him do fantastic things on (and to) the pitch in his first 6 games. However, almost immediately, he needed time off due to niggling injuries which have kept him quieter since that time in terms of tangible outcomes. Further, it is reported that while there are whole books written about his work, organized into a more active and productive first half of his time at HFC, and a later, less impactful (less smoting) time, there is a lingering and growing doubt about his ability to influence the modern game.
Regardless, God will be having his physical shortly, and this new addition will certainly add to Arsene’s choices and striking capabilities.  If God can rediscover his early form under the intense tutoring of Le Prof, expect Arsenal to be favourites for the next EPL crown.
So, first things first, please please please note that this is parody, not my reality. After that:
Who do we want or need?
What single player might we do best with if we could get only one? Certainly AW and Co. have done well with one big purchase per year.  Who this year?
In your dream line up, where does God play best?
Would this article be better if I SHOUTED even more?
By Geoff

29 thoughts on “New Arsenal transfer will ABSOLUTELY guarantee EPL title next year!!!

  • First of all, I would love a proper breakthrough of Jack and Ox in the team above anything else. Just imagine both having a 2013-2014 Ramsey year this season… it would make a huge difference. If I was to choose a player with money no objection and it still being slightly realistic, it would be Pogba. The idea of him working his magic in the midfield, next to Jack or Rambo or indeed Coquelin, is very attractive to me. Bale on the left with Alexis moving to the right would also be very attractive. Key is to find the balance between incremental growth and external injection of super talent, and for that Arsene needs to act cautiously.

  • TA

    Thanks for the kind words.. I was doing some browsing and getting quite tired of the RAID this, SHOCK that and DONE DEAL the other. All with hyper-inflationary use of !!!!!!!

    For me the one player will be a DM like type: Money no object, Pogba, a true DM with passing, serious Vieira-esque attitude but (seemingly) attitude control off the pitch.

    I am unsure about needing a GK or Striker, though we need at minimum squad players there. So, the Cech idea is intriguing and he is top flight, as is the Martinez idea.

    I perhaps should have said. Every year, unlike lots of teams, we get one player with huge impact for far less than others pay (or the same money) for the same or less impact. I myself am a highly “value conscious” purchase. Certainly, Sanchez was a steal at his cost, and to me, even Ozil has contributed more than his value when you consider what Suarez, Falcao, DiMaria and Bale have done (for just four examples).

    So, I think Martinez could fit that category I just noted.

    Like you, an injury free year for JW and AR to find form would be very “interesting” and while Cazorla is king right now, he isn’t young, so 2 years from now…?? That answer needs to be showing up this year, I think. I would prefer AR and JW myself.

    So, that, finally, shows the area I think we don’t need. Attacking or B2B midfielders. We are like City and Chavs like that, we have 2 national teams worth it seems.

    I think we are covered for centre backs to come, an outside back is a maybe, a winger is true nice to have but the second top level striker and DM are my main calls, and GK would be great (more than nice) but not necessarily 100% necessary.

    So, that’s my 2p.

    Oh, and God would play up front and down the middle, holding the ball for onrushing acolytes and regularly turning to smote the unbelievers net… 🙂

    cheers — jgc

  • All agreed, Geoff, although I am less keen on the central attacker, more an alround winger for me.

    Where are you at the moment?

  • TA

    Im in my office while my final exam is being given. Then begins the grading and drinking to wash away the pain cycle… So, in short, NZ! 🙂

    Hungary-Berlin in August
    Liege in end-October-early-November, and again in late November-early-December

    At the moment.

    cheers — jgc

  • Value for money IS the Kroenke way… Just visit your local WalMart to see how Stan’s father-in-law (Sam Walton) did his business…Get the most out of your vendors and employees (players), charge the most you can get out of your customers (fans) but maybe give them a greeter at the door… (the dinousaur)… 😀 😦 It’s not about putting the stores with the fancier stuff out of business, it’s about crushing the mom and pop outfits beneath you (one of whose name being with a T and ends with Ottenham…)

    Shopping for value (in this day and age) may mean doing your business at the end when all the money-down-a-hole teams have already done theirs… Wilfried Bony seemed like the Ivorian Dzeko so either one of those maybe could be gotten at the deadline… Pogba seems a little too “first tier” and a likely replacement for Khedira at RM (or a straight swap). I dunno a good ball-playing tall guy who has played both DM and CB might be a way forward… Per’s ticking down and is only an ugly goal from being a lightning rod for fan ire… I like our keepers, but that’s just me…

    It could also mean finding teams which are newly distressed. We’ve done good business with Villareal (who lost their sugar daddy) and maybe the time could be ripe for working the Monaco-Porto pipeline… My hunch is that Stan likes to keep his hands cleaner than most and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of these avenues have been paved with FIFA-esque kickbacks…

    The bottom line is that “god” maybe is not a player but is (rather) the ability of a group to come together to become greater than the sum of their parts. If it’s all about fitting guys into a jigsaw puzzle we probably have to admit that our ownership/management approach leaves us distinctly behind the teams willing to lose money. Can we make our squad into a better team than the assembled oiler-garch teams? Possibly, but it’s always an uphill battle… Frankly, I don’t mind that we’re at least giving it a go…

  • Turns out that Mourinho has now signed Satan. Will play defensive midfield. Just waiting on clearance on eligibility.
    Apparently, the greatest trick the devil ever played, was making people think he didn’t exist. So defensive midfield is probably a good a place as any to be, as an invisible wall….

  • jw1

    Of course, he has always recovered from injuries. Once, he was blinded but regained sight with the help of his winger, Jesus … In time to score later … There’s a story about it somewhere!

    Of course, the God vs Satan battle of Striker vs DM when we play Chavs now means we could be subject wandering 40 days in a deserted midfield with no possession… But, likely to win in the end..

    cheers — jgc

  • 17

    I think you read way too much into parts of this! 🙂

    I suspect that later is generally better for our business too, but equally, he is good at finding places that want to sell.

    BTW, economics and biz point. Walmart paid and does what all others in their size category (read Tar-jay, my preference) do, but made their money on software that managed logistics and created profit margins much higher than their competitors for the simple reason goods stayed on their shelves 6x less long on average… Simply put, if you play better football, you typically win. Whether its because you are better or just have more money and play a style that no one thinks is pretty (e.g Chavs!)

    cheers — jgc

  • I agree with you TA. I am keen on a left footed left winger. We do not have ine in the squad. Alexis is a great player but against some teams the inverted winger idea does not work. So I would be happy if we buy one. We could simply sell Podolski and Campbell to generate the funds. Bale would be perfect but that’s a longshot. Its difficult to find a good one as there are’nt many out there. Cech would also be a fantastic addition. Ospina though has a good record he does’nt convince me. Szczesny would also learn a thing or two about ‘world class keepers’.
    I think if we do buy Cech then Ospina is the one who should be sold or no. 3, not Szczesny. The Pole has it in him to be a good keeper he just needs the right guidance.
    These are the only signings we should make I think unless a truly promising 16 year old pops up.

    I dont think we need to buy a striker specially of the ilk of Martinez. If we are going to buy a striker then he should be a world class striker or otherwise it would not be fair to Giroud too. So as no such strikers are currently available we should give Akpom and Walcott a chance.
    The signing of Paul Pogba I think is very unlikely as he would demand a transfer fee and salary which still is’nt in Arsenal’s domain really. I’m content with Coquelin as our new DM and lets give the Bielik kid a chance too.

    JW, OX and AR should really try to make their mark on the team this season and cement their place in the starting 11 for years to come.

    In defence we already have 2 LBs, 4 CBs (including Chambers) and 3 RBs (including Jenkinson)

    Jenkinson, Zelalem, Gnabry, Bielik, Akpom and Maitland-Niles should all be looking for loan deals preferablly in England.

    Podolski, Campbell, Flamini and one of the GKs should be sold.

  • Now, if we can also sign Jesus, then I reckon that will indeed out-fox Mourinho. I’ve heard that he’s a quality left-winger, except when he plays in international matches (although born in Syria, he has adopted USA citizenship) when he plays as an out-and-out right winger. Now if we could also just get that Mohammed kid that I keep hearing about. Heard that he’s the bomb.

  • You better not get started on Gods as we Indians have thousands of them. Actually we have enough gods to start a mini Heaven League.

  • We all know that ‘God’ already played for us and is an hour’s flight away from joining Arsene on his left shoulder, although, his fear of flying might take him to use the Eurostar travelling under water… Our current ‘God’ is Ozil and how he would benefit from DB10’s guidance. 🙂

  • Great post Geoff. Some very good responses, in keeping with your theme, too.

    Never been fond of religion because of it’s ability to create divisions. Mankind is pathetic enough in the way it uses its power. Give it an excuse to dislike or distrust its neighbour and it quickly rushes to the caveman defence. Throw selfishness and greed of individuals who will exploit all and everything for their own excessive needs … and you have what you see today?

    Transfer that to the football field and the same parallels will surface. Play God as a striker, and you will have arch-Angel Gabrial on his right (hand) wing complaining he is being overlooked. God scores all the goals and nobody else gets a look in – in the headlines at least. And of course, devoted followers lap it up. It is only when God looks for a new world to conquer, are his followers left angry and betrayed.
    It is all there in St John’s account, known commonly as the ‘Book of RVP’ . Bitter experience for St John, as he baptised the young Robin …. or so it is written?

    Mankind has one redeeming feature … it is evolving.
    It has to, because now with greater knowledge to understand, it knows there is no infinity regards to life. There is an end point. The only thing possible for mankind to do is push its vanishing point as far into the future as it can. Perhaps the future does hold something different?
    The life we live today is not sustainable.

    Luckily, in EPL football terms, we have a manger who realised than many moons ago. The game we know today is not sustainable. The finances could collapse because of other events beyond the footballing body’s control.

    So, back in the real world. Who would I sign?
    DM – Kk
    LW – JD
    RW – KDB
    LB/CB -TM
    All those I declared in on the previous post, in fact.

    However, it seems AW has stepped in, or been pushed, and gone ahead with the Cech deal.
    For those who think Silent Stan is behind this, I think you may be wrong. Remember it is his son who is on the BoD. It is his son who has a ‘real’ interest in football. It is his son who listens to TH14?
    Next target is a striker (that TH14 has been pushing for), and Benzema is Arsene’s choice.
    When I saw him play recently I could see what AW might appreciate in him. He is a team player. Much more important than just a goal machine, like Martinez?
    I am somewhat surprised at him being your choice Prof? I think he would be RVP revisited?
    The team would get lazy, as they do with Giroud at times, and just play the ball to him. I also doubt he would have the freedom to score in the EPL as he did in Portugal. His transfer is all in Martinez’s head. I think if the Benzema leaks are right, and RM are trying to finance other deals, like Pogba, then he will shame faced go to AC, and their fans will not be best pleased … unless he scores a hat full of goals. He may do well in that league too.

    Which basically leaves my list a little light on funding? KDB will be off the list for certain. I think we do need a DM, and Kk would fit that bill. Not that Coquelin is disposable. The very opposite really. We need someone to step in to fill his shoes should he ever go missing He is THAT important. Unlike some, I do not believe any of our current players could do what FC does so well. I am sure Arteta could manage the odd 20 minutes, and may be a start in a COC game, but with every game needing our strongest, in their best positions, that combine well with the rest of the team is paramount.
    However, if we do get a DM of the Kk type, then I do think one of our current players could leave, possibly in January when playing time has been assessed?
    Another name of previous interest has cropped up, Rabiot, but I am guessing his price, and demands for a starting position will rule us out?
    Could we squeeze in young Drax in on top of those that we look like committing to? I think AW would like to, but it may be at the expense of a cheaper option DM?, Or a high value departure?
    Young Ty is cheap enough, and with them getting A-M-N on loan, we could be in a good position. One for the future, should either Monreal or Gibbs move on?

    As for the future of Football? Well that will be disclosed in the ‘Book of Revelations’ by St Arsene Wenger …. It will be a cracking read by all accounts.

  • Well written Geoff very entertaining. I probably will get evicted over to Henryesque, but I always felt Thierry was the one true God!!!!!!!

    I don’t think we need go to mad in the market. If we can get our best players getting into form early and avoid the injuries catastrophe that seems to happen every year, we should be ok

    My number one priority would be a top class keeper.. Cech will do nicely, secondly a beast of a DM to work with Le Coq.

  • Very entertaining Geoff…………Hopefully Wenger can pull a rabbit out of the hat this summer to help us secure the EPL.

  • Neeraj and Gerry you mind reading bastards lol, agree 100% lads so not too much to add. That left footed scoring winger is a definite area where we don’t have an option (whether it be cutting in from the right or crossing from the left) so i would love to see that filled but by who i just don’t know because Bale is pretty much out of the question, who is this JD Gerry?

    TW hopes:
    GK – Cech
    DM – Krychowiak
    LW – ????
    CB – Van Dijk

    Pure Greed:
    LB/CB – Mings
    B2B/DM – Kondogbia
    LW U21 – Patrick Roberts

  • Nice post Geoff…

    I thought that Jesus plays on the right-wing at ManCity!

    As for signing God, well it’s one thing being up in the clouds having a kick about but I’m not sure he could cope with Ryan Shawcross … 😉

  • As for the post itself, come on Geoff God’s had his day now don’t you think? we’re all about youth here, luckily i think his son Jesus isn’t developing too badly so maybe a gamble for the future there me thinks 😆


  • hahahaha allezkev you beat me to a Jesus joke by ONE minute hahahaha – bastard! 😆

  • Steve – You are really not saying you could not work that out.?
    It is of course the ‘could be great’, Draxxy baby!
    You know, the one I said I’d have for his set piece kicking?

  • hahaha had a brain freeze Gerry lol
    Good shout but i am pretty sure he’s right footed and cuts in from that side like the millions of other right footed wingers we have, i was still on the train of thought that it might be nice to have an actual left footed winger for once, plus Drax played his best stuff by far when Schalke moved him into the middle and if thats where his future lies then he’s got stiff competition there.
    Don’t get me wrong though lol, i would love to see the Drax play for us just where would he sit in the list of right footed wingers;

  • Great post Geoff,

    I spit up my cornflakes when seeing the post title, and then again when reading the body. Who is going to help me clean up this mess..? The sad truth is that it reminds me how much of a moron I can be when baited to click on various headlines aggregated by newsnow that obviously have no bearing on reality. The fact that the transfer window isn’t even open yet further cements my self-loath. I often chastise my fiance for “wasting time” reading about which celebrities are seen together and rumoured to be an “item” or whatever other hot topic crap they come up with, dismissing the whole charade as inconsequential but it would appear that around this time of year I am guilty of the very same. Ugh..

    Le Coq has been a Godsend, but for me the DM slot is still by far the single most important area for us to either strengthen or at least reinforce. If that is at the expense of one or more of the “old guard” than so be it. Morgan Schneiderlin would be a fantastic addition, and if not I would gladly settle for Krychowiak or Kondogbia.

    I would agree with all of you that Pogba would be the perfect all-action hero, but if forced to bet I would wager money on us somehow getting Bale long before wagering on us getting Pogba now that the RMs and Barcas of the world show interest. Obviously, not gonna happen.

    Anyways, DM DM DM DM (did I mention we need another DM?)

    When you wish upon a star..


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