Gutentag Mesut, wie geht’s mein Sohn?
Tutti Paletti, Arsene, einfach Spitze! Und Sie?
Well, Mesut, I feel wunderbar!
Mesut, always thinking about the Madchen, hey?! So we are here today to do your seasonal appraisal: how do you think you performed?
Well Arsene, I think I did well since I recovered from my injury, but I don’t think the fans appreciate me enough.
Why do you think that? You are the master in my midfield, creator of space, you run like a gazelle and are the King of the Key Pass in the PL with 3.1 per game – better than Cesci, Silva and Hazards. You won the World Cup with Die Mannschafters and held up the FA Cup twice in twelve months….. You are the dog’s ball-logues mein Freund!!
Ahh Arsene, the fans don’t seem to see it that way and then there are those commentators like that arschloch Owen and Scheisskopf Murphy who keep saying they ‘want more from me’ and that I am ‘not justifying my transfer fee’.
Well, Mesut, they have to say something don’t they. They suffer from small-winkle-syndrome and have to live with a very ‘hard’ reality.
What reality is this?
Well…They have been lucky enough to play in the PL but they realise they were never as good as you are now – their careers are over and they would suck at managing a team…. What is left for them is talking about current players…. And you, mein Sohn, are rubbing it in in each and every game you dance on the live stage. Unwittingly, you are torturing them and they are not having it….The only way to deal with it is to watch the game in silence: mute the brute! J The problem is, the English want to see your bleeding heart pumping outside the shirt, they want blood, guts and tears, with 12 Ray Parlours on the pitch!
Who is he, Arsene?
You never heard of the Pele of Romford?! Mesut, das ist eine Schande! You will need to watch some old footage then. Think of Flamini x 10! Voll mit sturm und drang! But you are never going to be like him, as you are an introvert, a quiet assassin, a schemer and strategist; and I like it! Let’s have a look at your listed objectives for last season.
HMmmm, it only says: ‘Be more Ozil’. What the heck did I mean with that, Mesutski?
Arsene, I thought you were really clever last year when you said that, and now you cannot remember it anymore!
What did I mean with it then?
Du bist einer alter knacker, Arsene! You said ‘Be more Ozil’:
- O for Omnipotent: use my eyes that can see all, work my body into a fortress and move all over the pitch to add attacking value everywhere and at any time;
- Z for Zealous: show more enthusiasm on the outside, show that I care… Happiness is a warm Gunner and all that Scheisse! [Arsene blushes when hearing this]
- I = I: be more selfish: love to assist and love to be assisted: make the net, just like my eyes, buckle by being selfish!
- L = Love Mesut…. Be kind to myself…. What the Scheisse ever that meant!?!
Well remembered Mesut and four big, fat teecks. Nice to see you again, have a great summer!
But Arsene, you did not set me any objectives for next season?! I want to be the European King of Assists, and more!!
Well Mesut, be, once again, more Ozil and you’ll become even better. And I suggest you learn a little Owen/Murphy dance for next season every time you produce a King of the Key Pass beauty! Ask Alexis to raise his leg and you’ll do the Limbo for our diminutive, sour commentators… that would be a laugh, hahaha!
Any specific targets, advice, Arsene…please?!
Okay, okay Mesut, I will give you a quote that you will need to learn by heart and repeat to yourself every time one of the dumkopfs feels they can voice their free-like-an-arschloch opinions about you. It is by Robert M Pirsig, from his wonderful book ‘Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance’:
‘The way to see what looks good and understand the reasons it looks good, and to be at one with this goodness as the work proceeds, is to cultivate an inner quietness, a peace of mind so that goodness can shine through’..
Pffff, Arsene, I get it… be more Ozil.
Yep, Mesut, that is all there is to it.
By Total Arsenal.